"You should keep it somewhere safe, like your bra." - A London Underground official when I told him I had lost my Oyster card
"You have the voice of an angel, and the liver of a fuckin alchy, just like Charlotte Church!" - My mate Colin from the band Runnin Riot, after I sang drunkenly down the phone at him
"You can't have your eighteen dollars.I need that money to build my church.And do you know why? So I can play Banjo!" - Mel Gibson in The Passion Of The Jew, South Park
"Get the hell off my Arsenal shirt." - Me, to a Spurs fan who put his arm round me after an away game at the drain
"I did not see it." - Arsene Wenger, all the time
"There was a Pigeon on his head. There was always a Pigeon on his head. I wondered if the Pigeon thought that all the people who went there every day were there to look at him." - Bill Bryson, on the Abraham Lincoln memorial statue in Washington DC
"Go with Christ, Bra." - Eric Cartman as Dog The Bounty Hunter in South Park
"We all have wings, but some of us don't know why." - The late Michael Hutchence
" The human race is the only animal that kills for greed. You don't see Sparrows stabbing eachother, do you?" - My mate during a debate on Knife crime
"Bore off, loser." - Me, to Peter Stringfellow when he asked me to sit on his lap
